Arrival, Shocks, and Realizations

This is my third edition to my story. The first, It's always best to start off in the beginning, and the second, First of the Trials and Tribualations. The first one explains how I met my wife and events leading up to moving. The second is about dealing with the logistics of getting here.

Finally, after all the delays, cancellations, waiting, and phone calls we pull up in front of the home that will eventually become a horrible nightmare. We pull up in our arranged transport to be greeted by my step-son Michael, who had just turned 8, my mother and father in law, my very helpful sister-in-law, two of my other sister-in-laws, my two brother-in-laws and a bunch of nieces and nephews. We were also escorted by a barangay official, who was there to make sure we understand and follow through with our rules of our two more weeks of quarantine. I had wanted do this quarantine in a local cabana/motel that would have been very inexpensive, so no one would have to arrange places to stay for the two weeks, since no one else was allowed to stay in the house with us during our quarantine. They assured me it was fine and my mother and father-in-law, and sister-in-law, and wife convinced me not to worry.

The official went through the rules. No one is allowed in the house, and we can't leave for 14 days. A nurse will come every day and check our temperatures to make sure we weren't infected. If we violate these rules my wife and I will be fined and have to start our quarantine over in the government facility. She took our temps was given money for "snacks" and left. My wife and I took our luggage inside and as we came there is her mom heading to the kitchen to grab bread and coffee. I shook my head, just wow, the official couldn't have even been to the end of the road and her mom was already going against what we were told. I found out later that the in-laws had no intention of following any rules that they were going to come and go as they pleased and stress me out. After about an hour my sister-in-law( from here on out will be known as Endie) brought us supper. As we were eating, she was the only one allowed to be in the house, she told me that her mom was bragging because now she had two rich foreign son-in-laws (my dad and I). I chuckled and said I have never been called rich before.

After we eat here comes Mama, which is what my mother-in-law demands to be called, she starts talking to my wife in a demanding tone. I look over and Endie was frowning and shaking her head. My wife went to the room and came back and handed Mama 5,000 pesos. Mama leaves and I look to my wife, and she tells me "Mama said I had to pay off her otang(debt) with a shop up the road." I was taken aback by the tone. She didn't ask she demanded. I was shocked by this because I had talked to her with help from my wife quiet a few times on Facebook video calls. I didn't mind the money we were living there, what ever we can do to help I was more than happy to. Endie even apologized to us for her coarseness. I made a mental note of the interaction and then brushed it off as nothing major.

We talked to the nurse and we were told that people could visit us if we set up chairs on the inside of the house and they set on the terrace and we stayed five feet or more away. For the next week or so I ended up feeling a bit like an animal in a zoo exhibit. To be fair, my wife had not been home in four or five years. Some of the visitors were family and classmates of hers. Most of the visitors were because Mama told everyone to come and visit and get gifts from her rich foreign son-in-law. At this point I was telling my wife I was worried that we would be in trouble because having a few visitors a day was one thing but there were sometimes 10-15 people on the terrace. Sure enough about 10 days into the quarantine a barangay official comes and chews us out for all the people there. She threatens to make us restart our quarantine in a government facility and fine us for not following the rules. My wife and her mom actually got mad at the official. I was in utter shock. After that my wife in I had to stay indoors with the door shut and no one was allowed on the terrace.

So now, I have been in the Philippines for about a month and except for the trip from the hotel to the house I have not been allowed outside. It is safe to say at this time I was a little stir crazy and my wife was as well. Finally, freedom! I spent the next couple of days walking the property looking in on my dad's house (which was still under construction) and getting to know the family. I tried to spend time with my father-in-law and Michael and learn how they takes care of the farm. After a month or so I found out that Mama was coming on a weekly basis and demanding we pay her otang. I asked my wife what was the otang for she said things for the house. Okay, so I took my wife down to the little shop and after a short conversation I found out that the otang was mostly for beer for Mama when she played cards, and that the otangs were lower than the money she was demanding. With the realization that instead of our savings going to the household expenses they were going to Mama to play cards and drink I said no more. If something was needed for the house we would go and get it.

In this time my wife and I purchased 3 sows and cleaned out all the stalls that were filled with trash. Now the piggery has 12 stalls. When we arrived only 4 had a roof over it and the rest were filled with trash and debris. As agreed we cleaned it out and reroofed the rest. Now the agreement was that we could use all but 2 of the stalls as long as we cleaned it up and reroofed it. My wife and I had a plan to use the three sows to breed and keep one from each to raise to breed as well. Mama and my wife starting arguing over every little thing. At times I would step in and take my wife out of it at others her dad would take my wife away and calm her down. My father-in-law, with the help of Endie or my wife talked quiet a bit and I started to learn that the sweet 80-year old Mama was not the person she tried to portray.

I walked up to the shop one day to grab a few things and I was told I had a 3000 peso otang. I went back home talked to my wife and she said she didn't otang anything and neither did I. I went back up with the pesos and asked the owner who charged it she said Mama and my son. I asked Michael about it and he told me that Mama would send him up there and otang things for her. I talked again to the owner and said only my wife and I could otang. A day later Mama came in the house screaming. I found out it was because she tried to otang on our name and was denied and she was embarrassed. Then an argument ensued.

About three months of being here and dealing with all of this my dad and his family finally arrived. There house was 95% finished and construction had to be halted so they could quarantine. After a few days I snuck over at night and talked to my dad and explained all that had went on. That is when I learned that not only for years had my wife been sending 70% of her wages to Mama but for years dad and his wife had been paying all of the bills as well as sending money for everyday expenses. Most of the money went straight to gambling, I wasn't surprised only very disappointed and so was my wife.

About a week after my dad arrived, my father-in-law fell ill. Apparently he had been sick for about a year but Mama always said they didn't have the money for him to go to the doctor. Now this man worked his butt off 7 days a week for a woman that didn't care enough to stop gambling for a day so he could see a doctor. He hid his illness from my wife and I because Mama told him not to burden us. I was livid at this. My dad and step-mom paid for him to go to the doctor. When My wife and I tried he said no because Mama had already used up so much of our money which broke my heart. The doctors here are not the greatest but they did what they could.

My wife and her family have never really had to deal with the death or fatal sickness of a close loved one. When I was between 13-18 My family took care of my mom's dad and my dad's parents while they were on hospice. I also helped take care of my mom when I was 20 when she passed from skin cancer. We learned that my father-in-law was not going to get better his illness was terminal. I learned real fast that because my wife and I were not giving Mama all of our money that any advice I gave was met with derision. My wife and I staayed up with him at night to help him and make sure he was comfortable. I was more than happy to do this as it granted me the opportunity to get to know him and help him out as best as I could. I was accused of trying to kill him because I gave him a benadryl to help him sleep. After that if I had any suggestions to help him I had to give them to my step-mom and have her tell Mama it was her idea. Mama even tried making his niece stay up all night to keep an eye on us and said we weren't allowed to help. Luckily the niece would stay awake until Mama went to sleep then she would smile and say goodnight.

Towards the end, he was in so much pain it would hurt him to breath. Mama had his brother some over to cleanse the house. This meant burning local herbs and plants in a coffee can and walking around the house then setting it near him. My wife and I had took a walk and when we came back I see smoke coming from the house and hear him coughing. Instantly I smelled burning plastic. Apparently the plastic was added to help generate the smoke. He was coughing and in so much pain he was crying. I stepped up and said get that away from him NOW. You are causing him pain and making it worse. Endie and several others were thankful I said it and got it out of there. Mama looked at me like I just slapped her in the face. How dare I question her.

He passed away several days later. During the funeral Mama was telling everyone that he died because of me. That my wife didn't do anything to help we just sat there and made everyone else do everything and Mama had to stay up all night with him. I found out then that everyone was afraid of this woman. What Mama wanted she got. What Mama said goes. I did what I could to comfort my wife and the rest of her family. I have thick skin so I let what Mama said roll off my back and blamed it on her grief. I kept my wife from saying anything so just to keep the peace in this trying time. It was at this time I should have booked a ticket came back to the US started over and brought my wife and son over. I unfortunately did not, because I thought that once things calmed down it would get better.

That's all for this post. If you have read thus far thank you very much. I will continue in the next post. I do want to say that I don't in any way believe that Mama's attitude reflects all Filipinos. People are people no matter where you are in the world. There are good and bad people no matter where you are or come from.