Wash, Rinse, Repeat

Good day everyone. To summarize my previous posts. I moved to the Philippines with my wife to be with our family. My father-in-law fell ill and passed away about 3 months after us arriving, and I found out what kind of person my mother-in-law(Mama) really is.

My last post was a pretty lengthy considering it only was just the most memorable events over about 3 months. This one will encapsulate most of the rest of my time here, only because like the title suggests my life has been on repeat. I talked in my first post about how I have fought with depression and anxiety for close to 22 years. Before I moved here it started to rear its ugly head again and was made consistently worse through the following years. I am at the point now where if I cant get back to the states soon and receive help I don't know, I just don't know. I am more depressed than I have ever been and have severe panic attacks about every week. I have been getting horrible stress migraines about 1-3 times a month and my blood pressure is out of control. I have lost close to 100 lbs due to not being able to eat or keep food down. Enough about that for now lets get into it.

After only 3 months of being here my wife and I have used up most of our savings. I had not planned on my mother-in-law being so money hungry and devious. Our 3 sows were pregnant and due in about a month and a half, which means we could sell the babies in 4-6 months. Mama is telling everyone she can that I am a useless American because I am not rich. My wife is having a hard time keeping her temper when she hears all the lies from Mama. Mama told my wife that we both need to go back to the US and leave Michael with her and send back money to support her. I started helping my dad finish his house. I learned how to weld and also helped him build some cabinets shelves and a safety railing for his second story.

I am very thankful to be able to help out my dad and learn a new skill but most thankful

that it got me out of the house and away from the drama. I knew it wouldn't help but I started drinking with my dad. Drinking made everything worse and ended up with me getting drunk at the Christmas party. Everyone was drinking but I took it too far and for the first time in my 38 years on this earth I blacked out. I have not drank since.

About a month after my father-in-law passed, I was awoken in the middle of the night by my wife screaming at somebody and Mama yelling back. I found out later that about 3am my wife went to use the bathroom and heard somebody talking and found Mama with a 20 year old neighbor boy. My wife freaked out and said it was embarrassing and shameful. Over the next several months my me, my wife and three others caught Mama and the boy together always around 2-3am. Mama was sneaking out with him at other times and had been caught giving him money and everyone involved knew what they were doing. It caused a constant argument between my wife and Mama. Mama was constantly lying and denying everything. My wife and I were fighting because I keep saying she's 80+ years old let her do what she's going to. My wife and her siblings got together and told Mama that it was shameful and they wanted her to stop. Mama said we were all lying and everyone left pissed off.

Over the next several months we continued to pay for everything all the bills, food, snacks, even pig food for Mama's pigs. My wife was cooking food for everyone. Now I learned a long time ago when dealing with people like Mama that no matter what she is always right, even when she is obviously wrong, and no matter how much you give her its never enough. Mama continued to deny all of this for about a year, until the boy's mom was brought down to the house and his oldest sister showed pictures that he had on his phone. His mom was upset and said it was all Mama's fault and threatened to get the barangay involved. At this point there was probably 20 people on the terrace while the pictures get passed around and she finally admits to their relationship. The very next day she says it was all lies and denies admitting to it. All I can say to that is pathological liar.

During this time Mama would start arguments over anything. She put up all of the silverware and set out plastic spoons telling people we are not good enough for her good silverware. Telling local local shops that we won't pay otangs so they wont sell us anything including pig feed. My wife had purchased another sow against my wishes and after it died during labor we had to sell one of the others to pay bills. At that time Mama decided change our agreement with using the piggery. Now we could only use three to four of the stalls instead of the original 10 stalls. She started telling my wife she hates my wife and she shouldn't even be here and she needed to leave.

Mama was telling Michael that when he grows up he should beat my wife for disrespecting her. That he should hate his mom because she was a liar. Michael seen what she was doing and started telling Mama that she shouldn't talk about his mom that way and she wasn't lying that he seen her and the boy and didn't like how she was treating us. Bless his heart. Now she turned her anger towards him. She started telling him that he shouldn't be here and why doesn't he just get his mom and move out. Mam did usually say anything directly towards me because she is afraid that my dad and step mom won't help her out if she attacks me. This literally repeats almost every month or so. She is horrible to my wife and son when I am not in the room right up until she needs something from them and then she is sweet as can be. Wash, Rinse, and Repeat.

Over the past year or so, my dad has been letting me use his WIFI so I can continue to learn and advance my skill and knowledge in programming as well as try to find freelance work. I was fortunate enough to find a little work freelancing that helped keep our head just above water and food on our table. My main source of income lost their contract 3 months ago and I haven't been able to find work since. If it wasn't for my dad we wouldn't have any food in our house. I am very ashamed of this fact. I know I have failed. I have failed as a man, husband and a father.

I have let my visa expire because we couldn't afford it and I kept convincing myself that as soon as we sold piglets I would get it paid up. Now I am praying I don't get deported. I am currently doing everything I can to go back to the US. I don't have the money to pay the visa fees or buy a ticket. I am trying to find freelance work currently and started a GoFundMe to beg for help. If I can't get the money up soon I am going to have to pray that the embassy will give me a loan to get back. My family and friends back in the states do not have any money to help me out. when I get back I will go anywhere I have to to find work. I have worked retail, construction, maintenance, and retail. Before the last manufacturing job I was working a full time and two part time jobs, so I am confident I can find work and will be able to bring my wife and son over in a matter of 1-3 years.

The embassy loan is a last resort because I will be dropped off where ever they drop me off and I am stuck with nothing and no money, but at this point being completely homeless would be an upgrade to living in this house. Also about a year after being here I was in a motor accident we were ok but I had to get stiches above my eye and destroyed my main glasses. So that is where I am at. I will try to make some posts about the good I have experienced here and maybe some background of me and my wife. if you have any questions feel free to email me.